We Are Our Own Discovery

 I'm on the move!  On Wednesday, I stuffed my backpack full of all the clothes and necessities I would need for one week, and headed off to Kopila Valley Orphanage in Bhaktapur, a mid-century town one hour outside of Kathmandu with so much history and hidden backstreets that I could explore for days.  Never did I think I could have the courage to take a local bus anywhere in Nepal by myself, but I've surprised myself yet again.  Go Mac!  Since my trek to Everest, I have noticed an increased sense of self-confidence and calm.  Dude things are changing; I'm changing.  I'm slowly realizing that I can do more than I thought.  I think the trek instilled in me a sense of fearlessness and courage, and now that I feel more accomplished, I believe I can put more of myself out there and take more risks.  When I was living in the states, I knew I was my own limitation, holding myself back with the characteristics I thought were insecurities.  But achieving something so big as the recent trekking trip in the Himalayas, I have found that I am stronger than I thought.  Something has changed in my opinion of myself, an unconscious shift, and now I feel more responsible for how I choose to spend my life.  I no longer think I need to depend on others to create opportunities and make things happen, I can do them myself!  And one example of that is the small accomplishment of taking the local bus with no one else's help but my own.  For someone as shy as myself, speaking up and asking someone for directions is no easy task.  Seriously, it's hard!  But by being alone now that all of my friends are gone, I have to speak up or else I can't get anywhere on the map.  

So I got on the bus.  Booyah.  And then I got off with some other foreigners near Durbar Square and realized... where the hell am I?  This is not the same stop I got off at last time.  Shit.  I'm lost.  I ended up walking along the side of a busy road for awhile with my big backpack and water bottle full of TANG.  I looked like a hitchhiker- hairy legs, dusty feet, and all.  Man I looked good.  

But, using some of the common sense I have acquired, I thought hmm lots of local buses are turning down the street up ahead, maybe the bus station where I need to be is that way!  So I followed the buses, asked some Nepalis for directions, or at least those who could speak English, and FINALLY found a place that I recognized.  I made it to the orphanage eventually.  Thank god for my memory and sense of direction.  I wouldn't have made it otherwise.

I've been at the orphanage for a few days and it has been interesting so far, as the kids do all the work and chores and don't let me help...  but they are wonderful and super respectful!  Some of the most respectful people I have ever met actually.  But instead of talking about the orphanage, I'd like to spend some time talking about what it's like to travel alone.  Because right now, I am sitting at a cafe in Bhaktapur Durbar Square and it's lonely.  

Here is my list:

1.  Traveling alone is scary.  When you aren't the most outgoing individual and often view people as threats, how scary it is to speak up and ask for help.  And when you also don't have sky high confidence, how scary it is to feel like everyone is looking at you as you wander down the street looking lost.  I don't always feel scared, but sometimes I do because all my experiences here are new and bring the unknown.  There will always be at least one time when you feel genuinely scared while traveling alone.

2. Traveling alone is freakin amazing.  Look at all the people I have met and experiences I have had!  If I had not come to Nepal by myself, I would have missed out on meeting the awesome individuals I now can call my friends.  If I had come with another person, I would probably not have had some of the conversations I have had with other foreigners and Nepalis, because I wouldn't have been so vulnerable and open to the idea of meeting new people if I already had a friend to talk to.

3. Traveling alone takes serious courage, man.  I don't know how the heck I had enough courage to get  where I am now.  I surprised myself, I guess.  There have been so many situations where I have been forced to step out of my comfort zone, whether it be to ask for a taxi, ask for directions, or deal with everyone staring at me because my skin is white. But needless to say, I have become totally okay with eating at a restaurant by myself.  That alone takes some courage because at home, if you are spotted eating at a restaurant by yourself, THAT'S weird.  And people judge you, unfortunately.  But here there are so many lone travelers that I'm not the only one and who the heck cares if you are by yourself?  It means you don't pay attention to what other people think.  So the next time you see me by myself in a restaurant or a cafe, don't think "Oh no, why is she by herself?  No one eats alone there must be something wrong."  Instead, think "Sweet independence."  I've definitely become more independent, I've had to.  It's a slow process because it doesn't come easily.

4. Traveling alone teaches you acceptance and awareness.  I've definitely had my ups and downs on this trip.  Not everyday is going to be spectacular and not every day will go just how you planned or wanted.  But you have to accept that as a part of the journey.  Some days are meant for seeing something new and going out for a drink at night with friends while other days are for chilling and reading a good book on a rooftop in the middle of, say, Kathmandu.  I did that just the other day.  I sat on the rooftop of my hostel next to the drying laundry and did some reading and writing.  And it was awesome!  You can't put so much pressure on yourself to always be traveling, always exploring, and always meeting new people.  You also need some time to just live and enjoy the quiet.  I have become a person, in recent years, that utilizes a "slave-driver" mentality, and always thinks I should be doing something more productive, more interesting, more worthwhile.  But by doing that, I forget to enjoy what already exists, what is already in front of me.  This has been the hardest part of my personality to change.  There is still a part of me that creates unnecessary pressure to always ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE, but it's becoming a smaller part of me.  My "observer-self" has become more aware, through traveling alone, of my tendencies and mental habits and so it is easier for me to change these habits as a result of my increased awareness.  It is easier for me to know WHY I am sad when I'm sad, why I'm irritated when I'm irritated, why I'm excited when I'm excited.  It's all cause and effect, and I'm am the observer, becoming more aware.

5. Traveling alone can be very lonely sometimes.  With no internet access or pictures of friends and family from home, sometimes all I have is my journal to listen to my thoughts.  So I write when I feel lonely.  But this isn't very common that I feel lonely.  Only in the past few days has it become more of an issue.  When I traveled from Kathmandu to Chitwan nearly two months ago, I cried when I realized I was alone.  Things seem so much more intimidating when you have no friends to talk to and help you get through it.  And when it is the middle of the night back at home, I can't just call and complain that I'm scared.  No one wants to hear that and there's no way for anyone to really help me when I am halfway across the world.  I have to suck it up and and deal with it.  I'm 21, not a little girl.  In the past few days I have met no other volunteers or people my age that I can travel with, I've been on my own.  And while it is nice to be alone because I can do whatever I want, when I want, it's also nice to have company.  I'd rather have company.  But I sit alone in a cafe with WiFi (yesssss WiFi) right now, and its not actually too bad because I can be in contact with friends from home and don't have to sit with myself and only myself.  There are people around me!  

6. Traveling alone helps you become comfortable with yourself.  I have had to be with myself many times on this trip.  And even though I have met some really great people, they have come and go.  The only person who has stayed with me through it all is ME.  Mac dog.  So needless to say, I have become more of my own best friend.  I think this is an important part of life, to discover yourself- who you are, what you stand for, what you like, what you don't like, what your limitations are.  And one great way to make this discovery is to travel to a foreign country alone.  Because there are many times where you will have to get yourself from point A to point B and entertain yourself along the way.  I've become less self conscious of the fact that I'm alone and have begun to embrace it.  With my guide book in hand, I HAVE GOT THIS.  Sometimes I have to give myself pep talks before I embark on new journeys.  It helps.  I'm my own fan. 

7. Traveling alone helps you to accept change and impermanence.  Nothing on my trip so far has become normal.  Everything has changed many times, from where I have slept at night, to the people I have met, to the food I have eaten.  My trip has consisted of different stages, changing all the time.  You learn to accept this.  You have no home base, no sense of real security.  But that's the thing about traveling, you get used to this.  And it's not only your surroundings that are changing, YOU change as well.  You stand for impermanence.

8. Traveling alone teaches you to trust others.  There will be some days where you will have to depend on others' directions to get you where you need to be or where you will have to ask a shirtless truck driver where the nearest hotel is when you are stranded in a strange town at night.  The person you would have deemed untrustworthy and flaky back home might just be the person who saves the day in the country you're traveling in.  Putting your trust in people, but at the same time being cautious about the people you talk to, is important when you travel.  You never know until you try.  People aren't as scary as they seem.  And most of the time, people will love to help you.   

9. Traveling alone makes you realize how much you are capable of achieving.  YEAH you traveled by yourself!  YEAH you bartered your way through the shops of Thamel.  YEAH you trekked to Everest when you thought you weren't strong enough.  Those are some things I initially thought I wasn't capable of but now realize I am.  If you push yourself through uncomfortable situations, which you are bound to come to, you will realize how strong you actually are.  Sometimes this requires baby steps and shows itself in very slow progress, but if you look at how far you have come when your traveling is finished, you will see how much you have grown.  There is no way you can leave your trip without having more courage than you came with.  That's guaranteed.

So that's all the advice I have for now!  It's time for me to grab a muffin at Himalayan Java and walk around Bhaktapur some more before heading back to the orphanage.  With less than two weeks left, I'm preparing to go home and spend Christmas with the Bowker fam.  I would really like to take what I have learned in Nepal home with me, but I realize how difficult it will be with American life bring so much faster-paced and success-driven.  Going against the grain is hard when most of your friends are still in school and getting degrees, but I have to remain true to myself and follow my own dreams, however hard that may be.  Sometimes society screams so loudly at you to follow one particular path, but once you realize that your life is YOUR life and YOU are in control, anything is possible.  There's no rush to achieve any one thing.  The most important thing to remember is that there is no destination in life, just a journey of self-discovery and the exploration of the world around us.  If you are unhappy in school or unhappy with your job, just step back and ask yourself if this is really what you want to be doing.  I took a huge step back from my studies during the spring of my sophomore year, and that was when I seriously considered taking time off.  There was a part of me that didn't want to go to classes anymore and continue learning about organic compounds and the effects of binary numbers on the world of technology.  Part of me needed a break.  And so I listened to that very quiet part of me and finally gave it a chance.  And it was that part of me, the part that needed time off, that I now give a huge thank you to because taking a year off from school was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself.  If part of you is unhappy for some reason, you should figure why and plan your life accordingly to see that you make a change.  Because if you ignore part of yourself, then you'll have some regrets down the road that you'll wish you had avoided.

THANKSSSSSS!! Peace out.  Hope you're all doing fantastic. 

Trekking in the Everest Region

I'M ALIVE!!  I just returned to Kathmandu from Lukla this morning and have lots to share with you.  First, I'm grateful for the fact that I am still alive after sitting through flights to/from the Lukla airport.  Lukla airport is one of the most dangerous in the world, especially the landing in the middle of the Himalayas at 9,000 feet.  The flight to Lukla two weeks ago was both wonderful and terrifying.  On one hand, we were lucky enough to see the sunrise over the Himalayas and fly close enough to see Mt. Everest, but on the other hand I thought we were going to crash into the mountains whenever we hit a spot of turbulence.  So there was a definite compromise with comfort that day.

Kerstin and I arrived in Lukla around 7am and met with Jombu, our RCDP coordinator in the Everest Region.  We had a cup of tea and trekked on to Ghat, which is two hours north of Lukla.  I wasn't feeling too great that day, already in the morning I almost had a panic attack and felt like I was going to be sick.  So I wasn't off to a great start.  Once we set down our things, we headed off to the local monastery, which was another hour and a half north.  The monastery is 500 years old, so it had lots of history to absorb.  We were able to watch the monks meditate and pray and then we ate dhaal bhat with them in the kitchen, which was so cool.  Many villagers from the town of Ghat, as well as Kerstin and I, ate with the monks in rows, all chowing down delicious dhaal bhat like it was our last meal.  I felt bad because they offered us chicken, but Kerstin and I are both vegetarians and that is something I won't budge on.  I haven't for three years.

Anyways, we hiked back to Ghat after lunch and enjoyed the peace and quiet that surrounded us.  The sun was setting over the mountains and the only noise around us was the jingling of bells on the yaks and the river down below.  There are now cars or roads in this Everest region, so it was something that I had never experienced before, and I wish I was still there because it was the first time in a long time that I could actually hear myself think!  That night, I felt worse and worse.  I had awful stomach pain and spent long hours in the bathroom..... I almost cried because it hurt so badly.  And we ended up having to postpone our trek two days so I could recover.  I could barely eat :/ I almost thought of turning away from this trek, something that I have been looking forward to because I love trekking!  So that was tough.  But my guide, Lhakpa, was really awesome and trekked to Lukla and back to get me some antibiotics to get rid of whatever parasite was in me.  And it worked!  I felt better the next day, and the next day after that.  And so our trek began to the Everest Base Camp.

Here is the schedule we followed:

Day 1: Trek from Ghat to Namche Bazaar (6 hours) - 3,400m (FIRST VIEW OF EVEREST)
Day 2: Acclimatization day in Namche Bazaar (that's what I'm talking about)
Day 3: Trek from Namche Bazaar to Debuche - 3,800m
Day 4: Trek from Debuche to Dingboche - 4,400m
Day 5: Acclimatization day in Dingboche (hike to 4,700m to get used to altitude)
Day 6: Trek from Dingboche to Lobuche - 4,900m
Day 7: Trek from Lobuche to Kala Patthar and back - summit of 5,550m!! Spectacular views.
Day 8: Trek from Lobuche to Debuche
Day 9: Trek from Debuche to Namche Bazaar
Day 10: Trek from Namche Bazaar to Ghat
Day 11: Trek from Ghat to Lukla and fly back to Kathmandu :)

The trek was amazing from top to bottom.  Our guide was a local sherpa, and he was really fun to have with us on the trip.  Our porter was also really great, but he couldn't speak English so we couldn't have many conversations.  He did so much work for us, he really deserves a lot of credit that often is disregarded.  Some days were RIDICULOUS.  Some days I felt I couldn't go any further but I had to or else I had no where to sleep and nothing to eat.  It's not an easy feat trekking to Everest, but I felt like I was becoming more and more fit as I continued to the trek.  The days were becoming easier.

I would say day 1 was one of the most difficult days of the trek because my legs absolutely killed me.  All those hours laying in bed waiting for my stomach to stop yelling at me weren't helping me up this steep ascent to Namche.  But we finally made it, and thank god.  Our rest day was wonderful the next day.  Kerstin and I went to a local bakery and chowed down on some chocolate cake and doughnuts before we no longer had the chance.  We sat there for a few hours and took in some much-needed warmth from the sun.  I didn't realize how cold it would get in the next few days, so I'm glad I took the opportunity to get a little sun-burned.

The next day, we headed off to Debuche.  This time, the trek wasn't as steep but it was still difficult.  Looking back on it now, I still wonder how the heck I kept trudging uphill when it was so mentally and physically tough.  I guess I'm stronger than I thought I was.  Props man.  I would say the guesthouse at Debuche was one of the best on this trek.  Kerstin and I met these really cool ladies from Switzerland who were on their way down from the Base Camp.  One woman was 67 and had, two years ago, hiked to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania!  How awesome!  She' such an inspiration.  We talked with these women for the entire evening because they had such interesting stories and so did we.

I was so lucky to have wandered to the library in the dining room because I picked up a book called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying," and it is the best book I have ever had the chance to read.  It is a book that is based around Tibetan Buddhism and it includes information about... life and death.  How to understand impermanence, rebirth, why we are afraid of death, how to cope with death, etc.  It also included information on the purpose of meditation and how to leave the cycle of samsara.  If I could have anything right now in Kathmandu it would be that book.  I spent hours taking notes on it because it had SUCH useful information for me, things that I really related to and agreed with.  I asked if I could buy it, but it looks like I'll have to wait until I get to a book store to find it again.

That night was a sleepless night because it was so cold in the room, probably 15 or 20 degrees.  I hadn't rented an extra blanket because I didn't think I needed it but... I needed it.  The next day we trekked onto Dingboche, where we stayed for an extra day to acclimatize.  This time, we were by ourselves in the guesthouse.  It was a welcomed change because it was good to get some peace.  The only sounds we heard were helicopters (mostly rescue helicopters... 7 a day on average) and the river nearby.  And yaks. Yaks on yaks on yaks.  For our rest day the next day, we trekked up 400m or so to acclimatize.  That little day hike was a trek in itself!  It was so steep, but the views were worth it.  And I would have rather done that hike than get sick later on because of the altitude.  Kerstin and I did everything we could to prepare ourselves for the high altitude.  We drank ginger tea and hot water and ate garlic soup whenever we had the chance.  I was pleasantly surprised that I liked the ginger soup.  When we needed more energy we asked for the soup with some noodles and that made a huge difference.  We definitely had to compromise on meals so we could prepare ourselves for the following days.

But it was worth it because Kerstin and I did not get altitude sickness, at least compared to the extent that others did.  When we trekked to Lobuche the next day, we were definitely tired because of the thin air but we had no other problems.  It was only when we arrived at Lobuche that I started to get a small headache.  But compared to other people at the guesthouse, I didn't have it bad.  Some people felt like they were suffering from the worst hangovers of their lives, so I can't complain.  That night, I met some great people from all over the world.  My favorite part of the day, besides the trekking and mountain views of course, is relaxing in the guesthouses in a cloud of accomplishment and tiredness.  Though I was always tired upon arriving at the next guesthouse, it was a good tired.  My accomplishment had exhausted me!  And you always meet great people from all over the world at these guesthouses because people come from everywhere to hike in the Everest region.  During my trek, I've had conversations with people from Switzerland, England, Scotland, Germany, Austria, Italy, Minnesota, Australia, Poland, etc.  These treks provide a chance to feel like you are bigger than yourself.  Where you come from does not identify you; your interests and goals help to create who you are.  And on this trek, I bonded with people over their experiences and not their countries.  Their origins were not labels, and it was great.

The next day was the big day!!!  We hiked from Lobuche to Gorak Shep, to Kala Patthar, and back down to Lobuche.  It was around 7 hours of trekking.  It took us two hours to get to Gorak Shep and another 3 hours to get to the summit of Kala Patthar.  Afterwards, we took our time getting down the mountain, grabbing lunch, and getting back to Lobuche.  In the morning, it was freezing because the sun had not yet risen over the mountain peaks.  My hands were so cold I almost had tears running down my face.  It was so painful, I can't even begin to describe it.  I had to sit with my hands in the sun and wait for them to warm up before moving on.  This day was probably the best of the entire trek.  The entire time, we were hiking along Khumbu glacier and saw many glacier lakes along the way.  Everest was with me during the entire journey, always to my right.  The top of the world was right there.  I was so much closer to it than ever before in my life.

The trek up to Kala Patthar was the hardest hike I have ever done in my life.  There were countless times when I wanted to turn back and hike down because I didn't think I could go any further.  Do you know how difficult it is to push yourself when your mind is getting down on you and your legs want to give out with every step?  With the help of my guide and the encouragement of other trekkers who were coming down from the summit, we trekked on.  Kerstin and I were both struggling at this point because the altitude was making it difficult to breathe.  We were getting more and more tired with each step, even though each step only brought us inches closer to the summit.  It was a long journey, but totally worth it.  Closer to the summit, the terrain changed and the mountain turned into a giant pile of boulders and rocks, like Mt. Washington.  I thought, "I am so close, only a half hour away, I can do this."  And I did.  I made it to 18,204 feet!  My body and mind had worked together to get me to the top.  It was so freeing finally being at the summit of Kala Patthar and looking around at the snow-capped Himalayas right in front of us.  Everest was very near, as was the Everest Base Camp.  I could see it from the summit.  To my right, there were glacier lakes and Gokyo Ri.  In front of me, there was Mt. Ama Dablam, the mountain I had been so close to at Dingboche.  All around me there were Buddhist prayer flags and ice.  The wind was whipping so strongly that I was afraid I was going to fall off the side of the mountain.  Lhakpa helped me up to the very top so I could look out over the entire area below us.  Kerstin had already started down the mountain because she was afraid of heights, but I stayed to enjoy what I had just accomplished.  It was truly unreal.  Even though I was not on the top of the world, I was sure looking at it straight ahead.  I didn't think I'd come to Nepal to hike to 18,204 ft, but hey anything is possible!

I think this trek is a good example of how we can learn to live in the present and put ourselves out there when we have the most doubt about our abilities.  I came to Nepal expecting to only trek to the Annapurna Base Camp, and here I am now, able to say that I trekked higher than the Everest Base Camp in a region of the world where many people never get the chance to see.  I thought, if I am in physically good shape and have a strong enough sense of motivation to get myself to12,000 ft, I can go higher.  I don't think any view will ever compare to the one I saw at the summit of Kala Patthar.  None of the pictures I post will help you to experience what I felt while I was trekking or the views that I saw each day.  The burning in my legs, my heart racing out of my chest, the thinning air, the conversations I had with other trekkers- none of that can be understood unless you trek here as well.  I can explain to you how hard it was to sleep when my heart rate was 120 in the middle of the night because of the altitude or how awesome it was to sit down with a plate of momos and hot orange Tang after a long day, but it will be hard for you to really understand.  If you want to experience this, come to Nepal, fly to Lukla, and trek to Everest.  You won't regret it!  I'm not the most physically fit person, and I accomplished this.  It's possible :)

The entire descent back down to Ghat was wonderful because I wasn't hiking uphill anymore.  I was able to enjoy my surroundings more because I wasn't so focused on making it up to the top of the hill without having to take a break to catch my breath.  I could pay more attention to the prayer flags strung everywhere, the stupas at every turn, and the yaks controlling the trail.  On the way through Tengboche, we were able to stop at the most beautiful monastery I have ever seen.  We went inside and toured around while our guide prayed.  I left a donation there because I really think Buddhism has made an impact on me.  Though I'm not religious now, I definitely will be making more time for learning about Buddhism, Zen, and meditation when I get home to the states.  Coming to Nepal has solidified by views about religion and so I left a donation as a way to say, "thank you for helping me realize more about myself and what I think about life."  The philosophies of Buddhism have not changed me a lot, but they have changed me enough so that I can notice a difference in what I think and how I interpret things around me.  It makes me excited for the future; I am excited to learn more about these philosophies that I have absorbed during the trek and during my trip as a whole.

This morning, I woke up at 4:30am to trek two hours to the Lukla airport.  I felt so bad that my guide had to get up super early, but he really helped me navigate through the confusion.  Hiking by headlamp, we made it to the airport by 6am.  After lots of waiting and checking bags, I hugged him goodbye.  I'll miss him!  He is a great person who made our trek freakin awesome.  Kerstin is staying in Ghat to volunteer at the local school and I am off to enjoy my last two weeks here.  My time has flown by, but it ain't over yet.  Although I think I am finally ready to go home, I know I will miss Nepal and all the people I have met here.  It's been quite the journey, both with myself and with all of my friends.

I have grown a lot since coming here and I have a better understanding of how my perspective of things is changing. I also have a newly found appreciation for motor scooters and I kind of want to buy one to cruise around Maine and elsewhere.  Donations anyone?

I have also decided to not go back to school in the spring, as well.  I think I'm over university education for now and onto bigger life experiences.  If and when I decide what I would like to do in the future, I will go back to school.  But for now, my priorities are to travel and to continue to discover more about myself!  Woo hoo!  I'm happy about my decision because I have realized that I can do anything with my life, I don't have to do one thing or another because everyone else is.  I'll take my time and do what's right for me along the way :) although I do miss my friends in Burlington, Scarborough, and everywhere else.  I also miss my UVM volleyball team... our fundraising, team dinners, and traveling to tournaments.  But I know they're kicking ass on the court.  GO CATAMOUNTS!

There might be another update before I come home, but if not, see you on December 12!  Peace out.
Mac

My Life, Continued

So back to the farm.  It was an enlightening experience, to say the least.  I really connected with my host father because we have a similar philosophy on life and what its purpose is, even though we live in completely opposite societies that are separated by hemispheres and religions.  We would sit for an entire afternoon in front of our home watching the cars pass by, talking about how to reach the soul through meditation and what it feels like to reach the soul.  He told me that he has reached the soul and now is in a state of "no thoughts."  This is not possible, but it is possible, he said, to reduce the number of thoughts you have in any given day.  And he has reached that point.  He is a conscious human being, where as the majority of humans on this planet are not conscious.  They are in the sense that they are alive and are aware of what is going on around them, but they are not conscious in the sense that they are really aware of the actions they are performing.  For example, when we are doing a monotonous task of doing the dishes, for example, our minds lead us astray and we begin thinking of all of the errands we have to run and how we didn't pay the last bill or how we need to remember to email our boss.  We rarely ever focus on the action of washing dishes.  Our minds bring us somewhere else.  This is how we avoid peace each and every day.  We are not at peace with washing dishes, it is not enjoyable for us in any way.  Our minds cannot stop thinking and we are led from one thought to another and before we know it, the dishes are clean and we have lost track of time.  We are thinking of what we will do AFTER we wash the dishes, rather than focusing on the act of washing the dishes themselves.  My host father introduced to me another way of thinking about consciousness.  To be conscious is to be present, and to be present means to be aware.  I am trying to work on my awareness.  It is much more difficult than I imagined.

But anyways, I don't think I can really explain to you how my host father impacted my thinking.  It's not every day that you wander out into the field to cut grass for the cows and talk about reincarnation for an hour.  I can rarely ever find anyone who is willing to talk about life and spirituality with me without thinking I'm insane.  Really though, if I start talking to you about how I don't want to be stuck in the system of school, working, bills, errands, and everything else that ties me down, but that I would instead meditate to find my true self and travel the world because I think so much is wrong with American society, you'd probably think that I'm just a very negative person who has a skewed view of reality.  When I was in high school I didn't think twice about the life I was living.  I was just like everyone else; I played sports and aimed to do well academically.  I didn't have a giant group of friends, but just enough to have a backbone in life and a great time that I wouldn't ever take back.  But after spending two years at UVM, something changed.  I realized that school isn't for me right now and for two years, I felt like something was off in my life.  I was getting restless from being in one place for too long, I realized that by getting an education, I was missing out on so much outside of Burlington, VT, and outside of my country.  The first world is all I have ever known, and it's easy to do what everyone else is because you don't want to go against the grain.  But I took a huge brave leap and now I'm in Nepal with complete strangers and an unknown culture, where all I am left with is what I know about myself and the philosophy I have been cultivating for the past few months.  I have found that the people I left temporarily in America have made me a strong-enough individual that I can do my own thing now, I can follow my own dreams.  For now, school is not in the picture.  And I still don't know what I want to do as a career.  All that matters is the now.

Since nothing here is familiar, I have been forced to really question my morals and my intellect.  What is it that I really believe in?  Why did I choose to come here?  What is the purpose of this?  What is it that I want to do with myself while I am alive?  All of these questions I haven't quite answered and probably won't for awhile, but traveling by myself has caused these questions to arise.  You could say my thinking has gotten deeper.  I'm really interested in Zen Buddhism and think it really resonates with the types of things I believe are true.  And I've read quite a few books since coming to Nepal that have contributed to changes in my thinking.

I've been in Pokhara for a few days now and I have bought several books, which I NEVER do.  But I'm really excited to read them because they symbolize the changes that I'm making in my life.  I bought "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," "Into the Wild," "Notes to Myself," "I Am That," and "Hidden Brain."  Some are self-development books, some of philosophical, and some are spiritual.  All, I think, are going to help me solidify the thoughts I've been having that I can't put into words without sounding like a lunatic.

So I'll update you on some of the recent things that have happened to me.  I met up with my friend Aaron while I was at the farm in Chitwan and we visited Chitwan National Park.  We were going to take a Jeep tour of the jungle but there wasn't enough space for the two of us, so we opted for a canoe ride down the Rapti River and 2-hour jungle walk to the elephant breeding center.  I really enjoyed our time there, and I enjoyed even more what happened next.  We grabbed some dinner at a local restaurant, and by the time we finished we realized that there were no taxis available to take us home.  So we walked for an hour and a half or so until we got to the main road in Sauraha, only to realize there were no buses running either.  God damn.  So we had an adventure and ended up staying overnight in Sauraha at a local guesthouse for whopping five bucks for the both of us.  Win.  We had a really long conversation on the balcony of the hotel that night, and it hit me.  We are two college drop outs who just happened to meet up in Nepal and are traveling hippies trying to maneuver around life's obstacles.  How did we get here?  It was a strange realization but it was eye-opening because we realized that we are pretty much in Nepal for the same reason, because we are ready to find change.

A few weeks later I took a bus to Pokhara from Chitwan and had a hard time leaving my host family.  My host sister, Prashamsa, started to cry as I left and that was hard to see because I had really gotten to know here over the past three weeks.  My host mother had asked me the night before while we were picking beans in the field, "Sister, will you help me?  My health is not so good and I'm scared.  Will you help me if I need it?"  That really struck a cord.  I helped my grandmother for several months when she was ill with lung cancer, from helping her get dressed to giving her medication.  And this brought me back to that moment.  I said, "Of course I'll help you.  Don't let the space between Nepal and America hold you back from asking me for help."  I really appreciated that she asked me because it meant that I had really made an impact on her and on the family.  It is really hard here in Nepal to get the right medical attention when you are poor.  A simple cut could turn into a fatal infection, seriously.  Just a few nights before, a woman committed suicide across the street from my farm by drinking poison.  I thought when I saw the ambulance, oh she'll be okay, the doctors will be able to save her.  But she didn't make it.  Medicine here is not good and doctors are not life savers.  A small illness could mean the end of your life if you are too poor to help yourself.  So I was sad to see my family go because I know they need money and I know that I was a chance for them to seek help when I was at the farm, and now I was leaving.  But I have kept in touch with them since I've left so they know I'm still there for them.

Once I got to Pokhara, I was reunited with my friends from the RCDP hostel in Kathmandu.  We spent quite a bit of time buying trekking gear and warm clothes because on October 22, we started our trek to the Annapurna Base Camp (4,130 meters).  THE TREK WAS THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE.  It was eight days long.  It was probably one of the most strenuous hikes I've ever completed.  It tested my physical endurance as well as my mental strength and it was definitely a challenge.  But I would do it all over again if I could.  With six trekkers, three porters, and a guide, I had plenty of company.  We would head out at 7:30am each morning and trek for anywhere from 5 to 8 hours.  By the time we got to the guesthouses, it would be 4pm and chilly.  As the sun would go down, the temperature would plummit and it would be time for down coats, wool socks, gloves, and a hat.  Like it was basically winter at night and summer during the day.  Ridiculous.  And as a result of the temperature changes, all of us got colds.  I'm still recovering from mine with a nasty cough and stuffed sinuses.

The views of the snow-capped Himalayas were incredible and they made the hard trek totally worth it.  We would all keep each other company during the hardest parts of the day and at night, we would play cards and all write in our journals by head light.  Sometimes there would be no hot water, and at the base camp there was no shower.  But no one complained.  It was all part of the experience.  And so was the food.  At the base camp, there were people from all over the world who had come to trek to the base camp and further.  Some of them had gotten food poisoning, so that was another worry we had besides the altitude sickness.  Luckily, though, none of us got altitude sickness.  I could definitely notice the thinner air and a more difficult time breathing, but no vomiting, no headache, no dizziness, etc.  No complaints!  On the way back down we stopped at some hot springs near Jhinu, which was a welcome change after being freezing for the past four days.

I'm so obsessed with trekking that I will most likely be doing a 14-day trek to the Everest Base Camp in a few weeks.  Why not?  I'm in Nepal, I might as well.  And now that I know I can make it to 12,000 ft I know I can make it to 18,000 ft if I go slowly.  Slowly, slowly.  Bistari bistari, as the Nepalis say.

So I've been in Pokhara since Tuesday, when we got back from our trek.  And I've had a hell of an experience on a motor scooter on the streets of Nepal.  My friend crashed and burned her leg, and my other friend crashed on a wet road.  So I won't be doing that again.  On another note, I visited Begnas Lake with some friends and we rented row boats and paddled around for awhile.  Life is so peaceful here once you get away from the busy streets and Nepalis trying to sell you souvenirs.  And I have found a little slice of Pokhara where all the hippies hang out, it's SUCH a cool place right in front of the new hotel I've moved to.

While my friends are doing a meditation course, I am wandering around Pokhara for a bit.  Then for the next week or so I will be sight-seeing on my way back to Kathmandu, where I will fly to Lukla for the Everest Base Camp trek.  The trek will last two weeks, and then when I get back to Kathmandu I hope to experience a 7-day meditation course and retreat at Kopan Monastery.  And then I will be on my flight home (NO!!).  I don't want to leave!